{Fragile} and {Succeed}

"Fragile" has been my state over the past few weeks. It weirds me out a little because I like to be tough. I'm not usually a little bird with a curly tail...I'm more like a big black crow or a mouthy macaw on most days. Depression is a strange thing. There are now these two "mes." Me #1 (with depression and no medication) and Me #2 (with depression plus medication.) And you would think that Me #1 would be the "Real Me." But it isn't who I am in my heart and in my own mind...I'm not full of rage, I'm not weepy, I'm not unmotivated, I'm not antisocial. So it turns out that the "Real Me" is #2. I'm finding it hard to swallow, but Doc said to me this week, "I think that medication for you needs to be permanent." Permanent.

You can't read it in the picture, but the green strip of paper says things like this:

I am happy in this world

I am strong when life is hard

I am beautiful just the way I am

I am loving to my friends

I am valuable in this world

I am fun everyday

I am loving to my friends and family

This is the definition of "success" that I pray my three children will develop for themselves. I want them to read this list and go, "Yep, check! ...Yep, check! Check! Check! Check!"

(Maybe it they do, I will, too!)

{color}

One last card for tonight!

My love affair with color was cemented during a college class at St. Olaf. Although I was a Spanish major, the college's core requirements got me out of my comfort zone once in a while. One new zone was "Color Design" with Wendell Arneson. I absolutely adored that class...never have I loved doing homework more!

It's funny that I make a mismatched card to celebrate love for color =)

{Rose Garden}

In the 70's, when I was plunking a lot of my dad's quarters into jukeboxes, country singer Lynn Anderson sang the song, "I Beg Your Pardon (I Never Promised You A Rose Garden.) " Wow, what a lot of wisdom...

...There's gotta be a little rain sometimes, along with the sunshine.

I feel like God reminds me of that fact of life when I read the Bible. Whoever thinks that life in Christ is walking amongst the clouds, singing hymns, playing harps...well, they just haven't gotten very deep into God's word.

In this world, there will be troubles...

I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...

When you fall into various trials...

It's a promise, all right...the "RAIN", rather than the "rose garden."

{Emotion}

Recently, a lot of my energy has gone to "keeping it between the lines." A reference to driving that I can apply to my emotions. All summer long I was taking Zoloft and I gradulaly realized that I was quite sedated...I felt "flat"...kind of stalled alongside the road, I guess. Then, I went off the medication (which is exactly what you are NOT supposed to do on your own.) The sedation wore off, yes, but a "road rage" replaced it. I was constantly driving head-on into something...my kids and husband, mostly. So, now I've bit (bitten?) the bullet and gone back into the psychiatrist and gotten my fifth different prescription. (It's day two on the new Rx, so you will likely get an update or two as I finish out my deck!)

{rush}

In high school, I played the Mad Hatter/White Rabbit in a children's theater production of Alice in Wonderland. I'm often reminded of one of my lines...

"I'm late, I'm late." Then, tapping my imaginary wristwatch, "They told me butter wouldn't make this watch run faster."

Even now, I relate to this line because of the ridiculousness of our chaotic schedule.

Today...I skipped my regular Friday breakfast with girlfriends, got Katie off to school at 8:15, Owen to school at 9:00, dropped off a Close to My Heart order, dropped off an invite to Owen's party, bought grass seed, dropped off two more orders and visited with my friend who does home daycare, dropped off another order and visited my friend at the school where she works, picked up Owen, fed the kids lunch and saw my husband off on a fishing trip, caught up on a few of my Discovery Deck cards, made dinner, leveled a hump in my front yard, picked up Katie's new glasses, shopped at Target, rented a movie, treated the kids to ice cream...

And it isn't yet 7 p.m.

{Flight}

A flight of fancy...

Ahh, if I were to let my "fancy" take flight, I wonder what that would look like? I think I'd start by working on a Master's Degree. And then a Doctorate. In what? Spanish, probably. I haven't the foggiest what I would actually do with these degrees, though. I just want to know things.

Or I could become an apprentice carpenter.

Or I could take up graphic design.

Or I could write children's books.

{Key}

This jumble is a microcosm of my life.

{Fall}

"Fall"

September has long been one of my favorite months of the year. Of course, I've always associated this time of year with the start of school--first, as a student, second as a teacher, and now, as a mother. And, since I live in a climate where the seasons change dramatically, I wait with great anticipation for this particular weather change...when I can put on a sweatshirt and jeans and be 100% comfortable. It isn't just the temperature, though. The sunshine has a special autumn quality.

Over the weekend, I stayed at a friend's cabin in central Minnesota (Thank You , Sandy!) The first signs of autumn were peaking through everywhere and Sunday was ...

an

absolutely

PERFECT

fall

day!

Retreat!

I'm headed out of town for the weekend and I'll be scrapbooking nearly every waking moment. (Yay!!!!) My girlfriends will probably try to distract me as they get all spiritual and go have quiet times or take hikes in the fall woods. Not me, Ladies. It's going to be all about the papers and gadgets and embellishments (and a good healthy dose of Diet Dr. Pepper!)

When I get back, I'll post my next cards: key & flight

Day 19--{music}

"Music"

I've grown up just on the edge of a life of music. What do I mean? My mom was a bar singer from the time I was very young. She came by it naturally since my grandfather was a singer and musician, as well. My own first performance was "Delta Dawn." I think I was five. As the years wore on, I became more self-conscious about singing on stage and not especially more talented. Fast forward to New Years's Eve 1997. I meet a sweet, sexy man...and someone tells me he's in a band. I married that man and, today, he doesn't head up a rock and roll band anymore, but he sings sweet songs of worship to the Lord.

These people and memories and music are my treasures,
our worship is treasure to Jesus...

Days 16-18--{helpless, refresh, spirit}

"Helpless"

It took me so long to sit with this little group of cards because the first one I was supposed to tackle was "helpless." It isn't that I couldn't think of anything...it was that it seemed like that about covered EVERYTHING! Last week was one of the most helpless weeks I've had in a long time.

So, here's my card. This is "me", stuck in the gears of my life, feeling helpless. It feels like circumstances are just grinding me up. The background paper (CM) is a graphic version of tire treads because, this sense of helplessness leaves me feeling like I've been run over.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Refresh"

I'll send you a post-card if I ever get there.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Spirit"

Now, you would think I would come up with something entirely spiritual here. Nope. These are reflections on the emotional side of my spirit (or my recollections thereof...)

You see, I used to wear animal prints. There were a snakeskin-print pair of jeans. A cheetah print blouse. Oh, and my favorite...also cheetah...a neck scarf. At the time I remember feeling like they pretty accurately represented my wild heart. Today I'm thinking, "Where on earth did that go?" I've become so tame. I don't do anything crazy or romantic anymore. I don't even think those things anymore.

For a brief moment last weekend, I remembered how it used to be. But the context for the remembering basically nullifies it all! You see, I was so overwhelmed, irritable, emotional that I ran out on my family. Frantically left the house with nothing but, "I'm not doing o.k., I have to go. I'll be back late." I didn't really have a plan and I ended up at the cheap theater. The only movie starting within the hour was "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End." Well, Disney sure did it up "dark," but I still managed to be completely in love with the protagonists. It made me want to be a pirate (with better bathing facilities, though.) It made me want to win the heart of Jack Sparrow (or Will Turner...he'd be good, too! Heck, Elizabeth Swan was even fantastic.) I lived the adventure vicariously for a couple of hours and it reminded me of how my spirit used to soar now and then.

Now, my spirit drives a mini-van, sleeps in old t-shirts, and doesn't wear make-up. Sigh.

Long Time, No Blog

I have a backlog of cards to create and I am still excited to do so...
However, life takes twists and turns.


I've been struggling with compulsions in the last several months. It seems to be a part of my depression and anxiety package. There might just be a little "manic" in there. Coming up on two weeks ago, I realized I was doing some things to the detriment of my overall health...one of them was spending inordinate amounts of time on my computer--blogging, reading bulletin boards, surfing the net. Others...scrapbooking, eating, spending money...

So, if there's nothing new to read here, it's probably a good thing for now.

Day 15-Jack of Diamonds {Quote}

"Quote"

The other day my son said...and I quote...

"I wish I had a different mommy that didn't yell so much."

(I answered, "Yeah, I wish you had that mommy, too.")

A while back, I mentioned that I wanted to be off my meds. Well, I ditched them and now, three weeks later...I'm a raving lunatic. O.K. it's mostly during what I call "the evil hours"--4-6 pm. Yesterday, I called my hubby at work and said, "Please come home early...and plan on taking the kids out to dinner...without me." How do you explain to your children that you love them in spite of your mental health failings? I mean, "seratonin" is completely without significance to my 6 year-old. Stark-raving mad will probably be very meaningful to them, though.

It's hard to see, but that is the CTMH Fairy Wishes fairy under the vellum.

Day 14- {Awe}

"Awe"

It's the holiday weekend and we are actually at home. Mark had the idea to take the family to the Minneapolis Sculpture Garden. How can I explain that I thought both that it was a good idea and that kids might hate it? What a pleasant surprise in store for me! They loved it. The weather was gorgeous and the spaces wide open. They ran and circled and climbed and looked...really looked. Wow! My kids like art! Here they are, checking out "Prophecy of the Ancients" by Brower Hatcher, 1988. This is the new picture in my mind's dictionary next to "awe."